This is my new life..

struggling alone for almost 2 years, does make me feel stronger than before. trying to living my own life alone, move to my new place, having a good and bad times all over again, everything that happens in my life pushing me to becoming more stronger.

family problems, lovers and betrayals, friends and haters, always come and go. my family and my real friends will always stay with me no matter what happens.

deciding to walk out from my parents house and living alone was not bad as much as i think. at first i'm trying to survive by myself in every circumstances. and doing everything by my own self. try to find a work to surviving my own life and paid my place to stay. met lots of new people, new friend, new problems,everything i have to face it everything.

lovers come and go into my life. broken hearts happens to all over again. problems with my family also seems like, it won't never enough. i almost give up and i do feel useless. everything that i do, seems never right at all.

sometimes, i feel like, i miss my old family. i miss the moment that we still living together, when my dad still alive. everything seems so perfect. and i never felt alone.

but i know, life will always had a problems. the more mature we are, the more problems that we will face it. i'm trying so hard to face it all. up and down, breaking up and togetherness, everything i face it!

somehow, i have realized, i'm becoming more stronger than before. little by little, i can move it up my spoiled characters. even though, sometimes my childish side, still come out, but i know that i have grown up and become mature woman.

broken hearted was something that makes me learn about life, and makes me more independent and really learn how to not give up easily. every time my strength is gone, i look up to God, and i know, i can become more stronger. i have faith in my life, that i can face it all with my own strength.

haters comes and go, but i never hate them. i always thank to them for being my haters. it makes me even more stronger because of them. and it makes me understand, how much they want it to be me but they can. and i know i have to thank them, because they are a part of my life that makes me stronger.

now i'm still living alone, but God sent me a new man into my life. a man that can't never imagine, the man that have so much kindness for me, the man that loving me that much. and a family that have so much love, even though i wasn't that close to my step dad, but i'm thanking God that He gave my mom a man in her old times.

after all bad moments happens in my life, now i can finally hear great melody in each day i have passes through. a melody that bring happiness into my life, and i'm thanking to God for it.

i know my journey doesn't end yet, there will be much more problems in front of my life. but i know, i can be strong, because i know i can!

i'm now strong enough to face it all, and i know, i'm free enough to living my own life. good and bad times, will always come, and i know i can be strong.

i'm thanking for all my past, i'm thanking for them who always there for me, i'm thanking to my mom for being so patience with me. i'm thanking to my best friends for always be there for me every time. and i'm thanking to you, the man that raising me up after all my strength is gone. because of u, i know i can be strong.

and i am thanking to you God..

SADNESS AND LONELINESS STAY WITH ME AT THE END OF MY TIME

sunday morning.. it supposed to be the beautiful day..

i'd just came back from the long greatest trip and i was planned to relaxing myself, after a week full of shit..

but, suddenly.. everything was change!

it become the worst sunday of my life.

something happened that push me to make a biggest decision for once in my life..

i know it was sound to fast or may be, i haven't thinking it twice before i've that decision. but one thing that i realize, is i gotta do something for my own life.

i walked away, so far away..

i don't even know what was gonna happen to me in the next term of my life.. but i know, i gotta go.. eventho, i never realize how it could be when i was trying to struggle by my own hands..

but i know, i can and i have to..

in the past few months, i realize that living alone was never easy.

i have to working so hard to earn something for my life.

sometimes, i felt i cant do this.. but, if i surrender on it, i know, i wont never ever be grown up..

i try to face it! i try to living alone, 

feeling how hard it would be. 

every night, i was crying on my bed.. feeling guilty, tired, and sometimes i wanna give up.. but then, when i wake up. 

i know, it was just a lil trouble in my life 

that i have to faced it.

there's gonna be so much trouble in the next term of my life.

but know, i'm tired. 

i'm tired of being alone.

i've tried to reach my happiness, but i know..

this is not the time yet!

i have to faced it.

all i got is the sadness and loneliness..

i must admit that i have often thought of leaving it all behind and letting everything go. i was lost and lone, as i always am.

so many people around me, but yet no one seems to care!

they say they understand and love me very much. but just when i trust to love, they forgot and move on, and leave me alone..

 but that's okay!

heyy, it was the life that i have to face it. i knew there was a reason for me being alone. so many bad things happening at once.

they can make you forget about the good qualities of life.

now, the only thing i know now is,

sadness will find me at the end of my life and loneliness will stay with me until the end of time..

CHOCOLATE + YOU = THE BEST THING IN MY LIFE

I don't mean to be decadent
I might sound like a hedonist
But the simplest way I can put it
You become a habit
The more I consume, the more I gotta have it
Ain't no such thing as too much
If you gave me everything it'd never be enough yeah
My black coffee with sugar no cream in the morning
You're my super double caffeine dream

Your precious darkness got me so
Strung out and lovin' the way that you
Got me so wide open, my baby doll
Jonesin' and fienin' under my skin
My nerves are screamin' when you're not here
See baby I need ya sugar
You're so delicious

I be trippin' in so many ways if I
Go a single day without a taste of your love
The finest cuisine of today's world
Five stars, oh you're so gourmet boy

There is somethin' about your love
That makes me just want to open up
Your flavor is the sweetest thing in life
I'm addicted to your chocolate high
Cause I want you, and I know that you want me
So let's stay close like we supposed to be
And just get high off our own supply
I'm addicted to your chocolate high

Your flavor is
The sweetest thing in life
And I don't ever want to come down
I'm addicted to your chocolate high

never again..

Would have given up my life for you
Guess it's true what they say about love
..It's blind..
Boy, you lied straight to my face
Looking in my eyes
And I believed you 'cause I loved you more than life

Sadness has me at the end of the line
Helpless watched you break this heart of mine
And loneliness only wants you back here with me
Common sense knows that you're not good enough for me

i wish like hell I could go back in time
Maybe then I could see how
Forgiveness says that I should give you one more try
But it's too late, it's over now
And all you had to do, Was apologize, and mean it

But you didn't say you're sorry
I don't understand
You don't care that you hurt me
And now I'm half the man
That I used to be when it was you and me
You didn't love me enough
My heart may never mend
And you'll never get to love me

..

YOU WILL NEVER GET TO LOVE ME, AGAIN

..

E.X.H.A.U.S.T.E.D

Huuff.. another exhausted day! cape, pusing, banyak pikiran, kesel, gondok, smuanya jd satu..

sekarang ini gw pengen bgtt bisa punya waktu buat istirahat yang lamaaaaaaaa bgttt.. im sick with this all fuckin activities! i really need a vacation in a long term..

kayanya udah lama bgtt, gw gak pernah ngedapetyn tdur yang nyaman dan nyenyaaakk bgtt.. pengen bgtt bsa tdur lama, trus yang bangunnya enak bgtt.. dan skrg gw ngrasa capeee bgtt sama kehidupan gw.. i need sumthin new, sumthin different from my usual activities.. and i also need sum refreshment for my brain!!

hahaaaa.. my brain almost explode..

tp dr smua cape yang gw rasain, gw seneng kok ngejalanin hidup gw. gw belajar dr seseorang untuk gak pernah menyesali apapun yang udah gw ambil dalam hidup gw. orang itu blg ke gw, klo gk ada satu hal pun yang patut untuk disesali dalam hidup ini, karna smua yang terjadi dalam hidup kita adalah anugrah dr Tuhan, dan udah pasty yang dikasih Tuhan itu adalah yang terbaik buat kita, apapun itu. kita cukup ngejalaninnya dengan prasaan bahagia dan ikhlas buat ngadepyn dan nerima semuanya.

setelah gw pikir2, bener jg siy.. ketika kita mencoba untuk menyenangi apapun yang kita lakukan dan menjalaninya dengan ikhlas, kita gak akan pernah menemui yang namanya penyesalan! karna, setelah gw sadarin, penyesalan itu hanya ada untuk orang2 yang gak pernah menyenangi apa yang ia kerjakan dan gak pernah ikhlas untuk menerima apapun hasilnya..

BACKSTABBER BECOMES KARMA

hahaaha.. hari ini perasaan gw campur aduk gak jelas! i feel like stupid waitin in campus for a whole day without no fuckin activities that i have to do! it sound im wasting my time in campus, actually i have a class today.. but, my mood suddenly change into sumthin not good..

well, but i feel a lil bit happy today.. pasalnya, gw menemukan hal konyol yang menurut gw lucu bgtt.. its kinda bout backstabber! for me, jd seorang backstabber adalah sesuatu yang gak penting bgtt.. in my point of view, backstabber tuhh byk bgtt tipenya. mulai dr 'MT' (makan temen), sampe ngambil pacar orang lain..

ada satu kasus yang menurut gw lucu bgtt!! jadi gini ada seorang cowo, let say, his name was Chris! nah, dya baru ajah putus dr cewe yang katanya siy, dya sayaaaaanngg bgt ama cewe ini.. nah belom lama putus, he saw his ex-girlfriend with another man!so, he became, desperately in love so bad.. dya lgsg berfikir, klo si mantannya itu putusin dya karna dya selingkuh or udh nemu cowo lain.. but in fact,dya mestinya sadar klo mantannya itu minta putus karna udah gak kuat ngadepin semua sikap2nya dya yang luar byasa keras kepala dan egois bgtt!! yaah, klo ditanya, pasty orang2 juga berfikiran mls bgtt yaa harus ngadepin manusia aneh dan agressif bgtt kaya cowo itu..

well, back to the story.. trus, dya kan ngerasa desperate in love bgt tuuh.. trus katanya orang2, dya jd yg sok2 melow gtuu.. trus, dya mencoba laah untuk mendekati cewe lain.. yang notabene, cewe ini adalah temannya si mantannya.. namun, sayang sekali pemirsa.. ternyata cewe ini udah punya cowo! namun, gilanya, si chris tetep brusaha untuk ngedeketin cewe ini, he dont fuckin care whether she is seeing someone else or not.. terjadilahh, pendekatan yang gak masuk akal! emang siy, si cewe ini memberikan lampu hijau yang sangat2 ke chris.. tapi gmana, tetep ajah statusnya punya orang lain..

well, anyways.. gw siy ngelyat kasus ini agak kasyan ajah ama si chris.. kaya gak ada cewe layn gtuu!! sampe2 lo harus ngedeketyn cewe orang layn.. hey dude, why dont u tryin to find another girl, dont take another girl who belongs to another man!! how poor are u.. just because ure desperate, it doesnt mean u have to become backstabber, rite???

gw jd kepikiran, apa dya gak takut karma yaa?? karna, coba pikir dee.. klo lo ngedeketin cewe yang udah punya, then finally dya jd cewe lo, gak nutup kemungkinan kan,klo someday dya bakal ngelakuin hal yang sama ke lo.. maybe, someday, when ure with her, ternyata dya lg deket juga ama cowo layn, dan dya give the green light to that man! nahh, sakit kann lo.. no wonder yaa, u cant be everlasting with girl, that uve been taken from another man.. and no wonder jg, klo cewe lo bakal selingkuhin lo.. yaa lonya sendiri, ngambil cewe orang layn!! it sucks, u know..

well, from my suggestion.. mendingan jangan pernah coba2 ntuk ngegangguin hubungan orang layn ato nyoba buat ngambil cewenya orang layn dee.. percaya ama karma, daripada ntar hubungan lo yang knapa2, mendingan play save ajah dee.. deketin cewe/cowo yang masih single, without no relationship rite?

Everything was too late..

terlambat.. sebenernya kata ini jarang diperdulikan sama orang banyak, bagi kebanyakan orang mungkni gak ada kata terlambat.. mungkin mereka berfikir, terlambat itu lebih ke arah belum waktunya ajah! mungkin emang iyaa, tp terkadang klo kita sadarin, terlambat itu lebih berarti sebuah penyesalan.

banyak orang yang merasakan keterlambatan itu datang disaat semuanya udah pergi ato udah hilang. mereka jadi ngerasa down, atau hilang harapan. atau bahkan, ada juga yang mengharapkan kesempatan kedua, agar mereka bisa memperbaiki kesalahan mereka. namun sayangnya, gak semua orang bisa dapet kesempatan kedua, karna emang smuanya udah bener2 terlambat. gak ada waktu buat kembali, ato ngulang smuanya, agar mereka gak ngelakuin kesalahan itu.. tapi pada akhirnya, hanya kata "sudah terlambat" yang hanya bisa mereka dapatkan, bukan kesempatan kedua..

penyesalan yang kemudian menjadi akhir dari keterlambatan itu, dan yang dapat dilakukan hanya berdoa, meminta maav, atau berharap smuanya itu gak pernah kejadian.. klo kita gak bisa melakukan smuanya itu, yang terjadi hanya kita kana terus sedih, menangis, meratapi penyeslan itu.. dan kembali yag kita dengar hanyalah "SEMUA SUDAH TERLAMBAT".. karna penyesalan akan selalu datang terakhir, dmana smuanya udah terlambat!

so, what we have 2do next?..
knapa kita gak coba buat menerima smua itu dengan ikhlas, dan beraggapan bahwa.. yaauda laa yaa, sabar ajah.. percaya ajah klo smua yang terjadi udah jalan dari yang di Atas.. karna, sejahat2nya orang lain ato apapun itu ke kita, hanya Tuhan kita yang masih mencintai kita, apapun bentuk perbuatan kita..
ato gak, buat melepaskan rasa penyesalan itu, adalah dengan meminta maav atas perbuatan kita dan percaya bahwa apapun yang terjasi, smuanya adalah yang terbaik buat kita..
or u can help other people to solve their problems.. bcuz, the best way in healing process is helping other people.. karna dengan menolong orang lain, secara gak langsung kita membawa pergi rasa penyesalan akan keterlambatan itu.. selain itu, kita juga akan lebih merasa bahagia, karna kita bisa melihat orang lain bahagia karna bantuan kita..

so, why dont we try to help othar people as a healing process??